I’m sick of people calling me ugly.

Yeah I don’t think I’m attractive but who the fuck are you to come right up to me and tell me you think I’m ugly?’

I can put myself down any way I fucking feel like.

But how dare you look at a picture of me or see me in person and tell me I’m ugly.

Fuck you.

I may not be your type. Fine. Doesn’t give you the right to call me ugly.

You don’t even fucking know me. Looks are not everything. If you took the time to get to know me you’d know that I’m a damaged girl who wants to make everyone else’s lives better. That I have a big heart and always have room for more people. That I will do anything for a friend in need.  That I go above and beyond to make others laugh or have a good day.

That I struggle everyday to NOT kill myself. You ever think those words and shit you say about me might cause me to go through with it?

Fuck you dirt bags.

I was told from the beginning you didn’t KNOW if you were going back to her. and only if she grew up. But whatever.

I don’t even fucking care at this point. I’m just trying to remember everything positive.

I have the right to be angry when I see you are with her that quickly.

I want to remember the positive so I don’t get angry again and cut.

And it’s not clingy. It’s me being upset and heartbroken. Angry that everyone in my life can move on so quickly from me.

And Gee I wonder why I don’t think highly of her. I was never told anything positive. I’m allowed to vent when I see that you are back with her right away.

And I don’t need her yelling at me either. She can grow up and leave me alone.

It shouldn’t be surprising that I feel not good enough. Because everyone in my life replaces me.

Right now I’m dealing with suicidal thoughts. Cutting. Constant anxiety attacks. Fights with my family. All of my friends are gone. No one understands me or even is willing to listen. I keep having reoccurring dreams of my son being alive and that is making everything harder to handle because I just want him here. I’m dealing with a broken heart and seeing the person that broke it back with the girl that he always told me negative things about. I feel worthless, pathetic, stupid, ugly. The list goes on and on. I hate myself. I blame myself for every fucking thing that goes wrong in my life or the lives of the people I care about.

I have nothing going for me. I have no job and I keep applying and no one hires me. I feel completely alone. I have nothing anymore.  I AM nothing. My friends are always too busy. My family is starting to suffocate me and it making me anxious. I can only talk to someone once a week for just an hour about my problems.

I just want to be able to vent. When I need to vent I do. I do that here. You see something negative? Well I fucking did too. It actually is healthy for me to write out my anger instead of burying it inside.

Sorry if you think I’m some crazy ass bitch. I just have a lot of fucking shit to deal with. This is how I handle it. It’s better than cutting. But if you prefer not to see me rant when I’m angry. (which I rant about a lot of random shit) then fine. I’ll bury it inside until it makes me cut. Starting over today because I keep thinking of my son which is killing me more than anything else. And I get yelled at for being angry that You moved on quickly. Sorry for being upset. Sorry for caring. Sorry for not feeling good enough for YET another person. Sorry that I feel like I am nothing.

Sorry that I am going through Hell and my life is falling apart again.

Sorry.

I’ll just cut or burn instead.

I’m on the fucking verge of tears and I don’t know why. I’m having anxiety and I’m shaking. I feel scared, worried, angry, annoyed, etc.

And now I don’t even get to talk to him? Come on.

Tonight just sucks. Fuck it. Back to 0 days of no cutting.

Fuck. Everything.

I hate knowing what I want and knowing what’s best for me, but being too afraid of how some people will react to go for it. I hate worrying about disappointing someone. I hate that these fears have been adding to my depression. Causing me to become more and more angry with each passing day. I hate that whenever I’m not actually SPEAKING with someone all I can think about is cutting. It’s become this addiction. I just want to do it until I feel calm and my stress is gone. I haven’t…which is making me even more angry. I’ve also been thinking about burning. I hate this. This shit isn’t who I am. I’m better than all of this. I’m better than what I tell myself. I’m better than the shit I do to my body. I’m better than these actions.

These fucking demons in me are taking control of me and are making me terrified of myself. I can’t stand being around people because I get annoyed easily. But I am also afraid to be alone with myself. I hate being afraid of myself. I want to be able to just be alone and not worry about what my mind will trail off to.

I just want to be better. I want to do what will help me. I want to not be afraid of my family and friends’ reactions to my choices. I need to stop hating myself. I won’t get any better if I constantly hate myself and am afraid to be alone with my thoughts. I’m not going to get better if I do things to please others. I NEED to do what I think is right. I haven’t been wrong before when it comes to me getting better.

People always tell me how strong I am. Not my family…but my friends, doctors, teachers, and others that have had similar struggles all say I’m strong. I hate when someone tells me I’m strong. I hate it because then I feel like more of a failure when I breakdown or feel like this. I scold myself for being so weak. I feel like I let all of those people down. I understand their fears when it comes to my choices. But I need their support. I need to know that they will support me when it is hard and they will push me when I really need them too.

I need to stop being so afraid. I need to get better.

I’m sick of hating myself so fucking much. I’m not a bad person. I try to be good to everyone. Yeah, I’m not a saint. But I do still try. I deserve to be happy. That’s what makes me the most angry. I know I deserve it but I’ve accepted that I won’t really be happy ever again.

(Source: wildbabies)

I want to scream.

I want to cry.

I want to cut.

I want to curl up into a fucking ball and disappear.

I want to sleep in my bed and sleep through this holiday and not have to see my fucking family.

I just want to fucking relax and feel better.

I just want to sleep and never wake up.

I miss taking pictures so much. Fuck you, Depression. Fuck you for taking away the desire to do what I love most. :@

Also, getting a camcorder for Christmas will help me a bit.

But for now? I guess i’ll draw. I’m a little bored and need distraction…

waitingontomorrow:

At first I’m like:

After a minute:

(via agirlnamedcactus)

My anxiety is back! fucking shit fuckers asfdjneirsdkl,jfnxeorwlfsdx. I WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS RIGHT NOW!

SO. MUCH. PAIN.

It’s like someone is shoving a fucking pole through my chest. ajkfnikred.

everyonehasblueblood:

A truly strong person does not need the approval of others, any more than a lion needs the approval of sheep.

UNF! She is beautiful!!!

The garbage men took our garbage maybe….an hour ago?

I haven’t gone outside today. So what if you have to bring in the barrel? So fucking what if I didn’t take the dog out. Your son did a couple of hours ago and she wasn’t doing anything to make me think she had to go out. She wasn’t near the door. Nothing.

Don’t fucking act like I’m a lazy bitch. If you had ANY idea the shit I’ve done the past couple of days to my body you would leave me the fuck alone. You’re the reason I’ve cut in the past. You’re a major reason I’m still depressed. You piss me off so fucking much and I am trying so hard not to go cut my other fucking arm right now.

…..Then I say to my mom I’m not in the mood to talk and she gets mad at me? I say that I don’t want to talk right now. You don’t have to keep STARING at me like I slapped you. Because I am damn near about to.

Starting back at 0.

Perfect.

I don’t know why. No particular reason. Just….yeah…

I hate looking in a mirror and wanting to shatter it because I can’t stand the fucking demon looking at me. I can’t stand the fights I have with myself as I smile and laugh with close friends. I can’t stand that I blame myself for everything bad that happens to other people. I hate that I care so much about people and it always fucking backfires on me. I can’t stand that I care more about almost everyone else in my life than I do myself. I hate that I blame myself for the lack of care people show towards me. Even knowing that I work my ass off to make everyone else around me happy and many of them couldn’t give a single fuck about me. I hate not being able to sleep because my demons come out in my dreams and they argue in my mind. I hate feeling like I want to yell at people that make me the slightest bit angry. I hate that I get triggered so easily. That I can be perfectly happy one minute then have some asshole at the mall piss me off and ruin my day.

I hate, that no matter how fucking hard I try, that I can’t get happy. No matter what I do. No matter the people I surround myself with. I don’t think I’m meant to be happy again. What sucks the most? Running away won’t fix it. Different town…..same shit. I just fucking want happiness. I like the person that I am to others…..but I hate the person trapped in this skin. I hate this demon. This person that causes me such sadness and pain. I hate having breakdowns. I hate feeling alone. I could have everyone in the entire world wanting to help me….and I would still feel alone. And that is the scariest fucking feeling in the world.

I hate hating myself.