I was told from the beginning you didn’t KNOW if you were going back to her. and only if she grew up. But whatever.
I don’t even fucking care at this point. I’m just trying to remember everything positive.
I have the right to be angry when I see you are with her that quickly.
I want to remember the positive so I don’t get angry again and cut.
And it’s not clingy. It’s me being upset and heartbroken. Angry that everyone in my life can move on so quickly from me.
And Gee I wonder why I don’t think highly of her. I was never told anything positive. I’m allowed to vent when I see that you are back with her right away.
And I don’t need her yelling at me either. She can grow up and leave me alone.
It shouldn’t be surprising that I feel not good enough. Because everyone in my life replaces me.
Right now I’m dealing with suicidal thoughts. Cutting. Constant anxiety attacks. Fights with my family. All of my friends are gone. No one understands me or even is willing to listen. I keep having reoccurring dreams of my son being alive and that is making everything harder to handle because I just want him here. I’m dealing with a broken heart and seeing the person that broke it back with the girl that he always told me negative things about. I feel worthless, pathetic, stupid, ugly. The list goes on and on. I hate myself. I blame myself for every fucking thing that goes wrong in my life or the lives of the people I care about.
I have nothing going for me. I have no job and I keep applying and no one hires me. I feel completely alone. I have nothing anymore. I AM nothing. My friends are always too busy. My family is starting to suffocate me and it making me anxious. I can only talk to someone once a week for just an hour about my problems.
I just want to be able to vent. When I need to vent I do. I do that here. You see something negative? Well I fucking did too. It actually is healthy for me to write out my anger instead of burying it inside.
Sorry if you think I’m some crazy ass bitch. I just have a lot of fucking shit to deal with. This is how I handle it. It’s better than cutting. But if you prefer not to see me rant when I’m angry. (which I rant about a lot of random shit) then fine. I’ll bury it inside until it makes me cut. Starting over today because I keep thinking of my son which is killing me more than anything else. And I get yelled at for being angry that You moved on quickly. Sorry for being upset. Sorry for caring. Sorry for not feeling good enough for YET another person. Sorry that I feel like I am nothing.
Sorry that I am going through Hell and my life is falling apart again.
I’ll just cut or burn instead.