Help help help
The thoughts are becoming unbearable. These pills will make them go away for good. Someone convince me why I need to stay on this god forsaken planet any longer. Because I’m alone with a handful of pills with no reasons why.

Working alone tonight!

WOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

So freaking happy I can’t even explain how happy.

Very good news.

Last night in the bake shop.

Gonna blast my music. Work at my own pace then just make random things when I’m done oh yeahhhhhhhhhh

FUCK! It’s the only place I have to be AWAY from you fuck faces. I don’t even OWN a car technically. So if I leave all you have to do is call the fucking police and say I stole one of the cars.

Stop asking me to come out.

Stop asking why.

The answer is simple. 

I hate you and I don’t want to talk to you.

Yeah you might listen tonight. But you’ll forget and you’ll do it again. 

You don’t stop.

I can’t deal with someone that has caused me to cut this many times.

And this badly.

I’m still bleeding a little. My sweater is ruined. All because you made sure I know I am not an equal part of this family. If I come out there I’m going to fucking beat the shit out of you. You are safer with me in here.

I’m done with him. I’m done with trying to have a decent relationship.

Even mom JUST said she didn’t think you’d care when I went to get medication.

Because you don’t.

You dont give a fuck about me.

benmcgowan:

I want to walk away into the sunset… Alone 

(Source: brmcgowan)

nikkihihihi:

I wish I can be a cat :>

Apparently not.

(via c0ldlies-deactivated20130310)

(via shallowshell-deactivated2012031)

(Source: reptilequeen)

Yesterday, I got into an argument with my mom. It was stupid….me not wanting to go to a party for my oldest brother’s bitch Girlfriend. The anger from that plus all of the anger and rage that has been building up lately caused me to snap. I locked myself in my room and started cutting. My mind was blank. It was strange….like an out of body experience. I KNEW I was cutting. I was watching myself do it. And yet….I also didn’t know. Until I actually got on the phone with someone. That someone got me to stop. But I wasn’t really feeling the pain or noticing the blood until I stopped and it hit me what I did.

I woke up this morning very upset. I had hit my arm on something next to my bed and I just lost it. I started crying so much. I decided I needed to talk to someone in my house. So I didn’t have to completely hide it. This brother is a lot like me. We have similar religious beliefs. We like a lot of the same stuff. We HATE a lot of the same stuff. And he’s willing to hear me rant.

I had stayed up on the phone with the friend that stopped my cutting until about….6 because it’s his birthday. I fell asleep and woke up around 1pm today. I texted my brother asking if he was home. He said he would be home in about an hour. When he asked if I was okay and I responded “not really” he said he was leaving the gym and would be on his way home.

I planned in my head what I wanted to say. I said it over and over to myself. I wanted to say each aspect of what I needed. No matter how much it scared me. Or made me cry. I followed him to his room when he got home and I broke down. He got me to sit down. After making him promise not to yell or get mad….I rolled up my sleeve.

107 visible cuts. I probably have more but some weren’t as deep so I don’t see them. I counted as many of the red ones as I could. he let me rant for a good hour about how unhappy I am. How alone I feel. How afraid of myself I am when I cut. I talked about a lot. I talked about how I felt our parents weren’t really listening to me like I needed them to. That I have had times where I’ve been suicidal, and even thought I knew my family loved me, I didn’t care how they would feel if I ended it. I told him it was scaring me that I felt I wasn’t far away from that. That I know that if I ever really think about it and just don’t give a damn that they will miss me terribly….that I’ll do it.

I talked about so, so much. He talked about some things trying to help me. Saying if I ever felt I was going to end it to call him. That he actually stopped a friend of his once. How a friend blocked all the doors to his place, so my brother had to climb onto the room and get in through a window to stop him. He is willing to not tell my parents and made me promise that I have to talk to SOMEONE if I ever feel that way again. Then he went to the store and got me a good bandage that will cover my cuts.

I know I don’t always appreciate my family sometimes. And I was absolutely terrified to how he would respond. But I honestly feel it brought us closer together…..and I am unbelievably lucky to call him my big brother.

Old picture but I’ve basically felt like crying all day.

I’ve had all of this anger building up in me lately. I just want to be better!

):

la-illest:

/:

(via golden-floss-deactivated2012081)

I’ve always been treated and told that I’m useless and pathetic. I just want for once to wake up and be genuinely happy. I don’t want to have to fake it for the sake of others. I hate having so many thoughts of killing myself or just dying. I hate all of the people that have ever contributed to my sadness. I can’t remember what it’s like to be happy. I really can’t comprehend how ANY one can be truly happy with their life. I try so fucking hard to be a good person. I try to be nice to everyone because I know more than most how hard life is and how a simple smile or kind gesture from a friend or stranger can keep you living another day. I work my ass off to be good. I know I’m not a bad person. And any person that says I am really is just a liar. I never retaliate against those that have hurt me. I just stay back and take it all. No matter what it is.

Why is it that even though I do my best every fucking day to be good to everyone, I can’t have happiness? I want more than anything in this entire world to be happy. I wish happy was a gift you could give. It’s be the only think I’d ever ask for. But it will never happen. I will never be lucky enough. I envy everyone that is happy.

I am alone. I am sad. I hate myself. I think I’m stupid. I hate my life. I just have so much sad in me. I don’t think I will ever know true happiness. 

And no one will care. My family will act like it never happened. Like I never just told my dad off and how he really makes me feel. Most friends wont know. I have a couple trying to console me. But im just another sad girl in this sad world.

Boohoo we all have our problems don’t we? That’s why I try to help. So people won’t feel like I do. I would never wish this much pain on anyone. Not even my father.