Their house is 5 minutes away…..IF that.
So my mom called him to let him know plans for thanksgiving and he said they aren’t coming but that they will be here on Christmas. So my mom said that because he isn’t coming at all on thanksgiving he better come for the whole day on Christmas.
But what bothers me is that I attempted suicide in July. I could not be here right now. If he doesn’t come to Christmas. Or makes some kind of excuse and comes late or leaves early….I’m done with him.
I’m not going to remind him of what I went through. I’m not going to remind him of the fucking HELL this past year has put me through.
If it doesn’t cross his fucking mind then I don’t even fucking care. He can’t bother to fucking show up to my favorite fucking holiday. The only reason its my favorite is because the whole fucking point is to be thankful for everything. All I have is my fucking family. So I’m already pissed about that. And if his fucking girlfriend pulls a little bitch fit like last year not understanding WHY he should spend time with us I’m done with her. not that she makes an effort to be a part of my life anyway.
Sorry for my rant. I’m just alone and sad and pissed off.
(Source: nerdick-elk)
God I love my brother, he is so hilarious. He was playing with this toy car and it was making this really annoying squeaking sound so I’m all like “What the heck are you doing?” And he replies with a “Playing you the song of my people.”
Yesterday, I got into an argument with my mom. It was stupid….me not wanting to go to a party for my oldest brother’s bitch Girlfriend. The anger from that plus all of the anger and rage that has been building up lately caused me to snap. I locked myself in my room and started cutting. My mind was blank. It was strange….like an out of body experience. I KNEW I was cutting. I was watching myself do it. And yet….I also didn’t know. Until I actually got on the phone with someone. That someone got me to stop. But I wasn’t really feeling the pain or noticing the blood until I stopped and it hit me what I did.
I woke up this morning very upset. I had hit my arm on something next to my bed and I just lost it. I started crying so much. I decided I needed to talk to someone in my house. So I didn’t have to completely hide it. This brother is a lot like me. We have similar religious beliefs. We like a lot of the same stuff. We HATE a lot of the same stuff. And he’s willing to hear me rant.
I had stayed up on the phone with the friend that stopped my cutting until about….6 because it’s his birthday. I fell asleep and woke up around 1pm today. I texted my brother asking if he was home. He said he would be home in about an hour. When he asked if I was okay and I responded “not really” he said he was leaving the gym and would be on his way home.
I planned in my head what I wanted to say. I said it over and over to myself. I wanted to say each aspect of what I needed. No matter how much it scared me. Or made me cry. I followed him to his room when he got home and I broke down. He got me to sit down. After making him promise not to yell or get mad….I rolled up my sleeve.
107 visible cuts. I probably have more but some weren’t as deep so I don’t see them. I counted as many of the red ones as I could. he let me rant for a good hour about how unhappy I am. How alone I feel. How afraid of myself I am when I cut. I talked about a lot. I talked about how I felt our parents weren’t really listening to me like I needed them to. That I have had times where I’ve been suicidal, and even thought I knew my family loved me, I didn’t care how they would feel if I ended it. I told him it was scaring me that I felt I wasn’t far away from that. That I know that if I ever really think about it and just don’t give a damn that they will miss me terribly….that I’ll do it.
I talked about so, so much. He talked about some things trying to help me. Saying if I ever felt I was going to end it to call him. That he actually stopped a friend of his once. How a friend blocked all the doors to his place, so my brother had to climb onto the room and get in through a window to stop him. He is willing to not tell my parents and made me promise that I have to talk to SOMEONE if I ever feel that way again. Then he went to the store and got me a good bandage that will cover my cuts.
I know I don’t always appreciate my family sometimes. And I was absolutely terrified to how he would respond. But I honestly feel it brought us closer together…..and I am unbelievably lucky to call him my big brother.
We usually wait until like a few days before Christmas to put the tree up. So I said we should put it up tonight or tomorrow while he’s still here. Hopefully we do so. It’ll be fun and it will make me happeh in the facial area.
The T is usually crowded. And I guess some guy accidentally bumped into some girl.
So she FLIPPED out and started saying how educated she was. And how she went to BU and all this ish. So she was going on and on. The person that was….driving? the T (its a train. -.-) had to get like security at one of the stops or something. But she would not calm down. So she turned to this older man that was sitting there and said to him:
“You saw him right? How he just BUMPED into me! I am an educated woman and I don’t need this shit!”
The man just sat there and looked at her then said:
“I don’t talk to stupid people so y’all are gonna just have to e-mail me.”
Everyone on the T started clapping.