I’m running out of reasons to live. I don’t fucking know what to do an I’m completely terrified.

I just want to fucking cut,

I want to dig the blade as deep as I can handle in my arms. I want to feel the blood POUR down my arms and drip onto the ground. I want to feel the sting as i immediately clean up with alcohol. i want the new scars.

fuck i just need to cut.

I’ve been stashing pills again…..have enough to kill me…and if not at least a coma….

Help help help
The thoughts are becoming unbearable. These pills will make them go away for good. Someone convince me why I need to stay on this god forsaken planet any longer. Because I’m alone with a handful of pills with no reasons why.

I hide under my blanket when I’m sad.

So still really sad today and kind of regretting throwing away my pills.

Which yeah.

I threw out my pills go me but I think I’m gonna cut because I really really need to do something.

Literally just sitting in my living room sobbing because I don’t want to be on medication anymore.

I just feel like giving up.

I saw a post a few minutes ago showing a girl revealing cuts under her skirt. She said for everyone that reblogged she would right their name on a piece of paper and put it in a jar to remind herself of people that cared about her.

Now. This girl is beautiful. Beautiful face beautiful body. She’s amazing.

Not me. I have neither. I have an ugly face, body, and soul.

I make a similar post. Asking people if they gave a shit if I’d overdose and for every name I see I’ll right it on my wall. This way if I’m ever having a hard time I can go to one of those blogs and talk to them.

My post gets under 70 notes (including people who liked and reblogged the post.) I showed my pills. I had 46 at the time. I think I have over 50 now.

All saved up for when I decide to end it.

The other girl gets over 5,000 notes and SEVERAL anons running to help her. I appreciate the 5 people that reached out to me….but it’s funny to me.

The fact that I’m showing a bowl full of pills should get (kind-hearted, caring) people scared.

But because I’m not the thinnest or the prettiest girl I will be over looked more often than not.

People on this site are hypocrites.

The only thing that has stopped me from taking those pills is the names on my wall.

But seeing that post reminds me how pathetic I was to think a lot of people would give a shit if I overdosed.

Once again the beautiful are glorified and hundreds run to help them.

(Source: nerdick-elk)

but basically I have a blank wall. Well, I have one of my photographs on it but the rest is blank.

If you reblog this it means you don’t want me to overdose and you want me to throw away the pills I have stashed.

I’ll write your url and name on this wall.

Think I’m joking?

Try me.

I want to see if anyone gives a fuck about if I kill myself or not.

Writing your name will remind me that you cared when I needed it anytime I feel the way I do now.

And the sad thing is. Because I’m not “tumblr famous” everyone will ignore this and no one will care that I’ve offed myself.

So let’s see who gives a shit by the time I get home at 9:30 tonight.

It won’t let me reblog it for some reason. but these are the names so far.

Adding the picture of me for the people that think I’m just trying to become “tumblr famous.” I want the names because so far all of the names I’ve gotten have helped me to not self harm today.

(Source: nerdick-elk, via sammi-j-photography)

STOP fucking telling me it’s not as bad as it seems!

Are you in my fucking body? ARE YOU IN MY FUCKING MIND?!

No?! Then fucking stop. It is as bad as it fucking seems. These thoughts haven’t stopped in 8 fucking years. I know how much pain I’m in. I fucking hide it from my family because it kills me to see how what I’m dealing with affects some of them. I hide it from friends because I don’t want them to be scared for me. I hide it so I can get through each fucking day. I literally sob my fucking self to sleep every fucking night. I cut when I can’t handle the voices. I punch myself when cutting doesn’t help. I punch walls pretending they are the faces of people that have fucking screwed me over so badly that I’m like this.

I fucking hate my life. I’m so miserable that I don’t even do any photography anymore. And that is a VERY obvious sign that something is fucking wrong with me.

So just stop fucking saying it’s not as bad as it seems. Because it fucking is.

Don’t get me wrong. I do fucking appreciate your concern. I really do. Not many people in my life take time out of their days to ask how I’m doing. But it fucking pisses me off so fucking much when people try to downplay what I’m going through. That’s exactly why I have 46 pills stashed in my room.

So that when I finally get sick of people downplaying me I can take them so they can see it is as bad as it seems.

I know a lot of you are or have been in the same boat I’m in. Whatever has happened to you that has made you want to die. That has made you give up hope about the future.

And I’m so unbelievably fucking happy for you if you are recovered and doing good. I want to literally fucking hug you and tell you how proud of you I am.

But I’m not there. I’m no where near recovered. So just let me be miserable. Just understand. Stop trying to change how I feel. Just let me vent. Let me scream, cry, yell, whatever. Just let me be in this fucking pain. Because I need to feel it. I need to feel my misery. Because if I start faking to myself that I’m doing better than I am I will fucking kill myself. Because if I think I’m doing fine then I have one of my horrible days I won’t be able to handle it. Just be here for me. Don’t try to tell me it’ll get better because right now I refuse to believe that. Just be there for me if I need to vent because that is what helps me. When people have an open mind and available ears.

(Source: nerdick-elk)

the pictures are bad quality but those are the names on my wall so far.

Thank you guys.

(Source: nerdick-elk)

46 pills and counting.

For those of you jackasses thinking I’m kidding.

I’m losing reasons to live.

23 pills of what I was on in July wasn’t far off from coma status.

I wonder what 46 can do…

(Source: nerdick-elk)

but basically I have a blank wall. Well, I have one of my photographs on it but the rest is blank.

If you reblog this it means you don’t want me to overdose and you want me to throw away the pills I have stashed.

I’ll write your url and name on this wall.

Think I’m joking?

Try me.

I want to see if anyone gives a fuck about if I kill myself or not.

Writing your name will remind me that you cared when I needed it anytime I feel the way I do now.

And the sad thing is. Because I’m not “tumblr famous” everyone will ignore this and no one will care that I’ve offed myself.

So let’s see who gives a shit by the time I get home at 9:30 tonight.

(Source: nerdick-elk)

I’m sorry I’m such a fuck up. I can’t do anything right.

I know my problems just make your lives harder. All of the money you spend to help me get better and it’s just not happening. I shouldn’t bother anymore. I’m so sorry that you have me as a kid. I’m sorry I’m such a burden. I know you didn’t expect it to continue this long. I’m so sorry you have to deal with me.

I’m such a shit daughter/sister/granddaughter/cousin/friend/whatever.

I’m a horrible person and I don’t deserve what you’ve done for me. you spend so much on treatments and medications and I haven’t changed.

You say you think I’m doing better than I think I am. But I’m not. I don’t let you. Iwon’tlet you in. You don’t want to be let in on what my mind is like. None of you do. I should just fucking swallow these pills and make it easier for all of you. I know it will be hard at first. I know you guys care about me and it would hurt to lose me…..although I can’t imagine why you give a shit about a waste like me. Just trust me. In the end it will be a good thing. Our family will finally be close again. you guys will stick together. Like I’ve wanted for a few years now. You guys will worry less about other things and focus on each other.

I’m just sorry that this is what willfinallybring you all back together.

I have these pills.

I need to just fucking take them and be done with it.

(Source: nerdeick-elk)

Sliced up my arms then had to wear my cover sleeves at work to hide it. Luckily I wasn’t working with anyone long enough for them to notice the blood coming through.

Fucking hate myself.

(Source: nerdick-elk.tumblr.comde)