I don’t want to kill myself.
But….I just want to be dead.
Quick and painless.
I have suffered enough these past 7 years.
I just want to fall asleep tonight and never wake up.
None of you will miss me.
Few of you would even know if I died.
You’d think I deleted this as I did facebook.
Those of you that will “miss” me….
You’ll forget about me in a week’s time and life will continue as it was.
I’m sitting here in one of my favorite sweaters. It’s snow white and it’s all fluffy and comfortable. It’s now stained with my blood. All because he couldn’t shut the fuck up and let me rant about something so fucking simple. That is always how it is. Something stupid and meaningless that we shouldn’t be fighting over. What does he do? He finds a way to make me seem like I’m worthless or stupid or that I’m not important or that I have no say etc., etc.
My relationship with my dad is done. I can’t keep going through this. I can’t keep relapsing every time I start to get better. I can’t handle this. I was at lunch with one of my best friends today. I was telling him how I am at times afraid of my mom’s opinion. But whenever it comes to my dad….I break down. I am so fucking terrified of how he will react to things. That I will literally have a massive panic attack because I am so scared of what he might say. I hate being afraid of him. I told my friend that hopefully when I take this break from school I’ll be able to gain some confidence when it comes to him. That I will be able to stand up to him.
I don’t know if that will ever happen. I can’t see him ever really understanding that I am suffering. That I am terrified of him. He will never understand.
I just want to die….