I’m sorry I’m such a fuck up. I can’t do anything right.

I know my problems just make your lives harder. All of the money you spend to help me get better and it’s just not happening. I shouldn’t bother anymore. I’m so sorry that you have me as a kid. I’m sorry I’m such a burden. I know you didn’t expect it to continue this long. I’m so sorry you have to deal with me.

I’m such a shit daughter/sister/granddaughter/cousin/friend/whatever.

I’m a horrible person and I don’t deserve what you’ve done for me. you spend so much on treatments and medications and I haven’t changed.

You say you think I’m doing better than I think I am. But I’m not. I don’t let you. Iwon’tlet you in. You don’t want to be let in on what my mind is like. None of you do. I should just fucking swallow these pills and make it easier for all of you. I know it will be hard at first. I know you guys care about me and it would hurt to lose me…..although I can’t imagine why you give a shit about a waste like me. Just trust me. In the end it will be a good thing. Our family will finally be close again. you guys will stick together. Like I’ve wanted for a few years now. You guys will worry less about other things and focus on each other.

I’m just sorry that this is what willfinallybring you all back together.

I have these pills.

I need to just fucking take them and be done with it.

(Source: nerdeick-elk)

I’ve been feeling unappreciated

I feel like everyone just fucking forgot that I tried to end my fucking life.

My oldest brother literally does not spend time with us/me.

I’m trying to get my family to go out tonight. I wanted to go somwehere casual and just have fun but now we are going to a fancy place in a hotel. And if he and his gf don’t show up I’m beyond fucking done. I already hate them.

We are going out at 6. so let’s see how tonight goes.

(Source: nerdick-elk)

Their house is 5 minutes away…..IF that.

So my mom called him to let him know plans for thanksgiving and he said they aren’t coming but that they will be here on Christmas. So my mom said that because he isn’t coming at all on thanksgiving he better come for the whole day on Christmas.

But what bothers me is that I attempted suicide in July. I could not be here right now. If he doesn’t come to Christmas. Or makes some kind of excuse and comes late or leaves early….I’m done with him.

I’m not going to remind him of what I went through. I’m not going to remind him of the fucking HELL this past year has put me through.

If it doesn’t cross his fucking mind then I don’t even fucking care. He can’t bother to fucking show up to my favorite fucking holiday. The only reason its my favorite is because the whole fucking point is to be thankful for everything. All I have is my fucking family. So I’m already pissed about that. And if his fucking girlfriend pulls a little bitch fit like last year not understanding WHY he should spend time with us I’m done with her. not that she makes an effort to be a part of my life anyway.

Sorry for my rant. I’m just alone and sad and pissed off.

(Source: nerdick-elk)

neverputthegundown:

i understand this pic so well..

I hate crying in front of people. Truly hate it. But maybe they will realize how bad it is. I told them I resent them for not doing everything to help me. That I don’t particularly want to kill myself but I want to be dead. That my dad always puts me down.

I don’t care what he knows and how hard he tries to understand. I still hate him for making me relapse. For constantly putting me down. For being such a shit head. sdkjfetrjfsdk

Fuck. Anxiety.

Now I have to make shit calendars.

I hope that I don’t have to go to the dentist and that pain was just some weird ass thing.

wefjrhio

Sad. Waiting for Yoshi to call or text me when he’s home.

(Yes, I am going to try to remember to call you Yoshi. Accept it. Love you. (: )

FUCK! It’s the only place I have to be AWAY from you fuck faces. I don’t even OWN a car technically. So if I leave all you have to do is call the fucking police and say I stole one of the cars.

Stop asking me to come out.

Stop asking why.

The answer is simple. 

I hate you and I don’t want to talk to you.

Yeah you might listen tonight. But you’ll forget and you’ll do it again. 

You don’t stop.

I can’t deal with someone that has caused me to cut this many times.

And this badly.

I’m still bleeding a little. My sweater is ruined. All because you made sure I know I am not an equal part of this family. If I come out there I’m going to fucking beat the shit out of you. You are safer with me in here.

I don’t want to kill myself.

But….I just want to be dead.

Quick and painless.

I have suffered enough these past 7 years.

I just want to fall asleep tonight and never wake up.

None of you will miss me.

Few of you would even know if I died.

You’d think I deleted this as I did facebook.

Those of you that will “miss” me….

You’ll forget about me in a week’s time and life will continue as it was.

I’m sitting here in one of my favorite sweaters. It’s snow white and it’s all fluffy and comfortable. It’s now stained with my blood. All because he couldn’t shut the fuck up and let me rant about something so fucking simple. That is always how it is. Something stupid and meaningless that we shouldn’t be fighting over. What does he do? He finds a way to make me seem like I’m worthless or stupid or that I’m not important or that I have no say etc., etc.

My relationship with my dad is done. I can’t keep going through this. I can’t keep relapsing every time I start to get better. I can’t handle this. I was at lunch with one of my best friends today. I was telling him how I am at times afraid of my mom’s opinion. But whenever it comes to my dad….I break down. I am so fucking terrified of how he will react to things. That I will literally have a massive panic attack because I am so scared of what he might say. I hate being afraid of him. I told my friend that hopefully when I take this break from school I’ll be able to gain some confidence when it comes to him. That I will be able to stand up to him.

I don’t know if that will ever happen. I can’t see him ever really understanding that I am suffering. That I am terrified of him. He will never understand.

I just want to die….

I’m done with him. I’m done with trying to have a decent relationship.

Even mom JUST said she didn’t think you’d care when I went to get medication.

Because you don’t.

You dont give a fuck about me.

My dad. Thanks a fucking lot for telling me I have no rights in this house.

Fuck. You.

Fucking making me relapse you piece of shit.

0 days without cutting.

Hey, at least I don’t pass out when I see blood.

Also, I have to deal with family tomorrow.

I’m supposed to double my medication tonight but I’m not because I have to drive and I won’t have time to adjust to it. Skipping tomorrow morning as well because I don’t want to fall asleep at the wheel or when I’m at the mall. Haha.

But yeah. I have to pick up my grandma at the half way point and my aunt is ALWAYS running late so I don’t even know when that will be. Then I have to have lunch with them (someone save me) and bring my grandma home. Then I have to drive back to the mall to meet up with my friend.

No meds while dealing with my grandma and aunt. My grandma, the women that negates every fucking thing I say….and my aunt, the woman that lies about the most pointless shit and wants to be “the cool aunt.” 

Lol that ship sailed when I found out the shit you did to my mom. O:<

….Maybe I should take my meds. haha. If I’m this angry already…..wefkjh 4tireowelfdskjxne3wfd

Gahh I just want my Cub to calm me down. ):

ifidiedtodaytell:

thestorybehindherface’s last words …

Honestly, why?

This morning when you snapped at me and said the tv stays off…..I rarely even watch tv. I just watch prerecorded shit or I watch on my laptop. Yeah, I watched while you were napping….but I was the only one home and awake.

Then later you say we are all going to watch some Christmas shows/movies together. Ok. Fine. But then your PERFECT CHILD wants to watch something….and it’s no big deal. No one else wants to watch sports but the two of you. You know for a mother fucking fact you would have gone OFF on me if I was watching something. Or even if I was just sitting there and the tv was on.

Also, stop stealing my god damn stories. I talk loud enough for Grandpa to hear me. He just gets confused sometimes. You don’t have to jump in and tell my story. Which by the way you always fuck up.

Just fucking stop.

You anger me so much. Mom talked to you on Friday saying that I’m on medication and she doesn’t like the way you talk to me most of the time. You really need to think before you talk. You are my main trigger. Most assholes I can ignore. But you have just pissed me off so much that I can’t deal when you act like a little bitch. I try. I really do try to ignore your little comments and your bitch attitude. But once you keep pushing it and try to put the blame all on ME! Oh hell fucking no.

Fuck you!

self-harm-problems:

self-harm-problems

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This actually made me start crying….

(Source: )