STOP fucking telling me it’s not as bad as it seems!
Are you in my fucking body? ARE YOU IN MY FUCKING MIND?!
No?! Then fucking stop. It is as bad as it fucking seems. These thoughts haven’t stopped in 8 fucking years. I know how much pain I’m in. I fucking hide it from my family because it kills me to see how what I’m dealing with affects some of them. I hide it from friends because I don’t want them to be scared for me. I hide it so I can get through each fucking day. I literally sob my fucking self to sleep every fucking night. I cut when I can’t handle the voices. I punch myself when cutting doesn’t help. I punch walls pretending they are the faces of people that have fucking screwed me over so badly that I’m like this.
I fucking hate my life. I’m so miserable that I don’t even do any photography anymore. And that is a VERY obvious sign that something is fucking wrong with me.
So just stop fucking saying it’s not as bad as it seems. Because it fucking is.
Don’t get me wrong. I do fucking appreciate your concern. I really do. Not many people in my life take time out of their days to ask how I’m doing. But it fucking pisses me off so fucking much when people try to downplay what I’m going through. That’s exactly why I have 46 pills stashed in my room.
So that when I finally get sick of people downplaying me I can take them so they can see it is as bad as it seems.
I know a lot of you are or have been in the same boat I’m in. Whatever has happened to you that has made you want to die. That has made you give up hope about the future.
And I’m so unbelievably fucking happy for you if you are recovered and doing good. I want to literally fucking hug you and tell you how proud of you I am.
But I’m not there. I’m no where near recovered. So just let me be miserable. Just understand. Stop trying to change how I feel. Just let me vent. Let me scream, cry, yell, whatever. Just let me be in this fucking pain. Because I need to feel it. I need to feel my misery. Because if I start faking to myself that I’m doing better than I am I will fucking kill myself. Because if I think I’m doing fine then I have one of my horrible days I won’t be able to handle it. Just be here for me. Don’t try to tell me it’ll get better because right now I refuse to believe that. Just be there for me if I need to vent because that is what helps me. When people have an open mind and available ears.