I hide under my blanket when I’m sad.

So still really sad today and kind of regretting throwing away my pills.

Which yeah.

I threw out my pills go me but I think I’m gonna cut because I really really need to do something.

STOP fucking telling me it’s not as bad as it seems!

Are you in my fucking body? ARE YOU IN MY FUCKING MIND?!

No?! Then fucking stop. It is as bad as it fucking seems. These thoughts haven’t stopped in 8 fucking years. I know how much pain I’m in. I fucking hide it from my family because it kills me to see how what I’m dealing with affects some of them. I hide it from friends because I don’t want them to be scared for me. I hide it so I can get through each fucking day. I literally sob my fucking self to sleep every fucking night. I cut when I can’t handle the voices. I punch myself when cutting doesn’t help. I punch walls pretending they are the faces of people that have fucking screwed me over so badly that I’m like this.

I fucking hate my life. I’m so miserable that I don’t even do any photography anymore. And that is a VERY obvious sign that something is fucking wrong with me.

So just stop fucking saying it’s not as bad as it seems. Because it fucking is.

Don’t get me wrong. I do fucking appreciate your concern. I really do. Not many people in my life take time out of their days to ask how I’m doing. But it fucking pisses me off so fucking much when people try to downplay what I’m going through. That’s exactly why I have 46 pills stashed in my room.

So that when I finally get sick of people downplaying me I can take them so they can see it is as bad as it seems.

I know a lot of you are or have been in the same boat I’m in. Whatever has happened to you that has made you want to die. That has made you give up hope about the future.

And I’m so unbelievably fucking happy for you if you are recovered and doing good. I want to literally fucking hug you and tell you how proud of you I am.

But I’m not there. I’m no where near recovered. So just let me be miserable. Just understand. Stop trying to change how I feel. Just let me vent. Let me scream, cry, yell, whatever. Just let me be in this fucking pain. Because I need to feel it. I need to feel my misery. Because if I start faking to myself that I’m doing better than I am I will fucking kill myself. Because if I think I’m doing fine then I have one of my horrible days I won’t be able to handle it. Just be here for me. Don’t try to tell me it’ll get better because right now I refuse to believe that. Just be there for me if I need to vent because that is what helps me. When people have an open mind and available ears.

(Source: nerdick-elk)

I am not ashamed of my scars.They are part of my struggles. Part of my story. My scars help shape my character and are turning me into a better person. I will never be ashamed that I was sad and hurting.

I do however hate that I have a mental illness. I hate being sick. I hate feeling sad all of the time. I hate that I can’t remember what happiness feels like. I hate not knowing if I’m going to wake up and decide to make another attempt on my life.

As much as I hate being mentally sick I will never be ashamed of it. When I have kids and they ask about the marks on my arms and legs I will tell them in the best way for their age.

What I have is nothing to be ashamed of. So many people suffer from depression/anxiety/other mental illnesses. I’m not the only one and I realize this. As much as I hate it, it has turned me into a more understanding, more tolerant, and more accepting human being.

(Source: nerdick-elk)

I was at work tonight and literally all I could think of is the best way to end my life. I need to get to my fucking doctor because I am losing it. I don’t know how to keep it together anymore. I don’t know how to stay sane….that is if I even AM sane anymore. These nightmares are taking over. The voices are taking control. I havent felt genuine happiness in 8 fucking years and I firmly believe I won’t know what it feels like ever again. I’m giving up and running out of reasons to keep breathing. I don’t want to not care how my family will react. Because once I don’t care….nothing will stop me.

But I’m scared because I don’t care how half of them will react. So I have almost nothing keeping me going.

(Source: nerdick-elk)

nerdick-elk:

You ever look at someone and think “damn they are like the happiest person I know!”

Has it ever occurred to you that when they get to the safety of their home that they hide away from anyone else and take a razor to their skin? Cutting over old scars and some two-day-healed ones?

That they just lay in bed and listen to sad and angry music and cry. Do you ever realize that they probably cry themselves to sleep? Or cry to the point that they make themselves physically ill?

Has it ever occurred to you that the person sitting across the table from you laughing hysterically at something someone just said is laughing that hard because that is the only time they have relief from their pain? That when they are alone their thoughts are on the best way to end their life.

Do you ever really think before you speak? Do you joke or off handedly talk about death/depression/self harm? Because, even if it helps you, it might be the last straw for someone else. And when you are their at their funeral thinking “damn…..they were the happiest person I knew…” You’ll realize just how widespread depression is. And you’ll realize how much society is screwing with us by telling us to smile and suck it up and that it’s not okay to show that you’re sad.

If you’re going through a rough time I want you to assume that EVERYONE around you is. Then you’ll be more cautious to what you say. It can make a massive difference for some people.

You ever look at someone and think “damn they are like the happiest person I know!”

Has it ever occurred to you that when they get to the safety of their home that they hide away from anyone else and take a razor to their skin? Cutting over old scars and some two-day-healed ones?

That they just lay in bed and listen to sad and angry music and cry. Do you ever realize that they probably cry themselves to sleep? Or cry to the point that they make themselves physically ill?

Has it ever occurred to you that the person sitting across the table from you laughing hysterically at something someone just said is laughing that hard because that is the only time they have relief from their pain? That when they are alone their thoughts are on the best way to end their life.

Do you ever really think before you speak? Do you joke or off handedly talk about death/depression/self harm? Because, even if it helps you, it might be the last straw for someone else. And when you are their at their funeral thinking “damn…..they were the happiest person I knew…” You’ll realize just how widespread depression is. And you’ll realize how much society is screwing with us by telling us to smile and suck it up and that it’s not okay to show that you’re sad.

If you’re going through a rough time I want you to assume that EVERYONE around you is. Then you’ll be more cautious to what you say. It can make a massive difference for some people.

(Source: nerdick-elk)

Some kid in my town died in a car accident yesterday. The highschool is having some kind of memorial or something…..there are a lot of cars over there.

I dind’t know him but we know his family.

He was just a junior in high school.

):

(Source: nerdick-elk)

Yeah. It sucks when you realize that all those pills aren’t killing you. Even though they should. It sucks to be hurting that bad and be forced to keep breathing knowing that you’re going to be watched so it will be hard to try again.

It sucks when you don’t succeed.

(Source: littlementalme, via thestormbroke)

(Source: thefrogman, via lolzpicx)

but everyone I knew either loves dr who or sherlock or random other stuff that i dont know any of it and have no idea what they talk about. I’m finally a part of a fandom and no one I know can go through the agony of waiting for the finale with me. SOMEONE COME CRY WITH ME DAMMIT!

Hope you’re happy now. not going to make it out alive this time.

Goodbye.

neverputthegundown:

i understand this pic so well..

im-your-other-half:

no pain for me or no pain for anyone? sure i would. maybe it’s sad, but i would. smiling.

yes 

(via im-your-other-half-deactivated2)

(Source: aching-hearts)